The Real Slim Ganon
by The Wandering Stalfos
Summary: This is the first of many short stories.


Body Link walked into the Spirit Temple to find Ganon and found himself face to face with an Iron Knuckle. He disposed of it with ease and the armour crashed to the ground to reveal Nabooru. 

"Link, thank the goddesses, i was under a spell........" 

"I know. Don't worry about it. Nab, do you have any idea of Ganons whereabouts?" 

Nabooru directed Link to the boss room of the temple to find Ganon on his throne flanked by a Moblin and two Gerudos. 

"Fiend! Your blood is mine!" 

Ganon paused before replying in his usual terrifying ,booming voice. 

"Yo, whassup homie, whats sweatin' ya. Talk that again an' I'ma hafta pop a cap in yo ass!" 

Nabooru frowned and spoke. 

"Brother, who do you think you are, a gangster like Eminem?!?" 

Ganon looked puzzled for a second before a manic grin spread over his ugly green face. 

"Why yes actually...............Yo homies.............HIT IT!" 

Ganon clicked his fingers and a set of turntables magically appeared out of thin air and the Moblin took his place behind them. He repeated this action to produce a microphone in his hand. 

The beat of Eminem's "The Real Slim Shady" started up and Ganon leaped out of his throne, grabbed his crotch and began to strut around the room. 

" May I have your Triforce, please? 

May I have your Triforce, please? 

Will the king of Hyrule please give up? 

I repeat, will the king of Hyrule please give up? . . . . . . 

we're gonna have a problem here . . . 

You act like you've never seen a Gerudo before. 

Jaws all on the floor when I walk in the door, Bigger an badder than ever before. 

Give me your Triforce. 

Take over this castle by force It's the return of the . . . 

Moblin: "Ahh, wait, no wait. 

Didn't the guards stop you last time? Didn't they? 

And Agahnihm tried . . . Nothin' you idiots! 

Agahnim's dead he's locked in another realm! 

Gerudo women love Ganondorf. 

Chicka, chicka, chicka, Evil King 

Gerudo Woman: "I love him, look at him walkin' around killing you know who, flippin' to you know who." 

"Yeah, and he's handsome too." 

Yeah, I probably got a few screws up in my head loose, so just think of what I might do to all of youse. 

Sometimes I wanna get with Zelda and let loose but can't, an link tells me to go hump a dead moose. 

"I'll kidnap the princess, I'll kidnap the princess. And If I'm lucky she might just give me a little kiss." 

And that's the message sent from my goons to your highness, and I expect y'all to surrender and do not resist. 

Well of course you're gonna surrender by the 4th raid all your guards are bein' paid ain't they? 

You ain't nothin but animals, and my goons are cannibals. 

They'll cut you open like dekulopes but you tell me to hump dead animals and antelopes, Curse you Zelda and the rest of you dopes! 

But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote. 

Gerudos wave your scimitars, sing me glorious and it goes, 

{Chorus} I'm the king Ganon yes I'm the fierce King Ganon and all Link's doin' is delayin' what I would never stand for, so won't the King of Hyrule please give up,please give up,please give up. X2 

Link doesn't have to hurt anyone to win his quest . . . . 

Well I do. So I'll hurt him and hurt you too! 

You think I give a fuck if Link finds me? 

Half of your subjects haven't even seen me, let Link try me. 

Moblins: "But Ganon, what if Link wins? Wouldn't it be weird?" 

No. It'd be impossible for him to get over here. 

What are you guys a buncha non-beleivers? 

Shit. The Stalfos an Mob-a-lins better switch their tunes or pay with they lives, an argue they case 'fore I think twice . 

I'm sick of all you Hylian girl an' boy guards all you do is annoy me, so I have been sent here to destroy you. 

And there's a million Gerudos just like me who kill like me, who just don't give a fuck like me who dress like Genie, walk talk and act like me and it might just be the very best thing to yield to me. 

{Chorus} 

I'm like a cyclone to do battle with, cause I've got the Triforce of Power in my fist that you kept hidden from me in your tower and now I got the balls to come here in front of ya 'll and I ain't gotta be false and say I'm here peacefully at all. 

Take your peace treaty and shove it, and whether you like to admit it rrrrrrt I just stole more than 90% of your kingdom, old man and then you think "can't stop Ganon eatin' up my land with Volvagia!" 

It's funny, cause at the rate I'm goin' when I'm through, there won't be person left who knows what to do. 

Turnin' Hyrule Field into a wasteland with my moblins, and all that fairy boy Link does isn't workin'. 

In every single alleyway there's my dark minions lurkin' just waitin' to rip you out your belly, king, spittin' on your vile remains or in Hyrule Town, circling, screamin' "Ya'll are fucked!" with their weapons up and their hopes high . 

So will the King of Hyrule please give up and put one Triforce in each hand up and grovel cause I'm outta my mind and in total control and one more time, loud as you can, how does it go? . . . . . 

{Chorus} " 

Link spoke up for the shocked onlookers. 

"Ganon........man.........that was shit." 

Ganon's face suddenly contorted into a mask of pure rage, and he let out an animalistic roar. He kept this pose for a few seconds when his bottom lip started to tremble, and he started to blush furiously, before running out of the Throne room in a flood of tears. 


End file.
